Talking With Children About the Life-Threatening Illness of a Family MemberThe diagnosis of a life-threatening illness affects not only the person who is ill, but has a ripple effect that impacts their immediate family members, extended family, friends, and colleagues. Children with a seriously ill family member are coping with a multitude of challenges in almost every area of their functioning – emotional, social, cognitive, physical, and spiritual. Children need the support of caring adults to help them navigate this new territory. Below are tips designed to help medical professionals and school personnel talk with children. Teachers, school counselors, and other educators are in a unique position to help children.
Ideally, parents and educators can function as partners in the child’s education and well-being at school. The following suggestions are intended to provide some guidance in being a helpful resource for children and their families.
School Personnel
Communicate with parents- If you notice significant changes in a child’s behavior or school performance, contact the parent and inquire about any circumstances that might be affecting the child.
- If a parent notifies you that a family member has been diagnosed with a life-threatening illness, try to meet with the parent in person to discuss their situation and their child’s needs.
- Learn what the child has been told, and what information the parent is willing to have shared with other school personnel and/or students.
- Inquire about any changes the parent has noticed in the child’s functioning, and any concerns the parent has about the child.
- Share your observations of the child, and discuss how best to handle any problems or concerns that arise at school.
- Ask the parent to keep you informed, and/or ask if they would mind if you contacted them periodically.
Be supportive to the student- When appropriate, include the child in your meeting with the parent.
- Invite the child to talk with you if needed – then be available and practice active listening skills if the child seeks you out.
- Work with the child to develop a plan for addressing problems or concerns.
- Maintain normal rules and routines, being careful not to single the child out for special treatment, but allowing some flexibility to meet his or her needs.
- Be sensitive to material in the curriculum and the classroom that may impact the child, and help the class to process these issues thoughtfully.
Medical Professionals
Communicate Honestly- Understand that everyone in a family will be affected by the life-threatening illness of a family member.
- Communicate honestly and clearly with children about the diagnosis, using age-appropriate language.
- Reassure children that they did not cause the illness.
- When appropriate, explain the treatment and possible side effects to help children anticipate and prepare for these experiences.
- Before taking a child to the hospital to visit the ill person, talk with the child about what they will see. Describe the way the person will look and what kind of equipment is being used.
- If a child can’t or won’t see the ill person, encourage other ways of maintaining contact or communication, such as letter writing, pictures, etc.
Understand Their Feelings- Children will have many different feelings – accept and acknowledge their feelings, and help them find safe outlets.
- Feelings of anger, jealousy, worry, and guilt are common. At times children may seem very self-centered – give them extra attention and reassurance whenever possible.
- Understand that children may tell us more about their feelings through their behavior than with words. Your child may not know what he or she is feeling, or may not be able to put the feelings into words.
- Understand that misbehavior may be a response to the stresses created by the illness in the family. Try to address the feelings underlying the behavior while setting appropriate limits on unacceptable behavior.
Limit Unnecessary Changes- Maintain normal rules and expectations for behavior; this helps children feel more secure in the midst of confusing changes.
- Keep routines as normal as possible. Prepare children for any anticipated changes in the family routines and schedules.
- When routines must be disrupted, offer children choices whenever possible.
- Find ways for children to help, but be cautious about expecting too much responsibility.
Seek Support- Communicate with school personnel and caregivers about the illness in the family, including what the children have been told and how to respond to their questions.
- Seek out support for yourself and your family. Many people want to help, but don’t know what to do until they’re asked. It’s OK to ask for what you need.
- Take time for yourself. You are probably being pulled in many different directions, but you will not be able to help your children if you.don’t find ways to take a break and “recharge your batteries.”
Please call Ele’s Place at (517) 482-1315 if you have any questions about this information, or you would like information about our Together Learning to Cope program for families dealing with a life-threatening illness.